


Who really knows

by Nooshie1



Category: Janet King (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2018-12-07 12:06:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11623176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nooshie1/pseuds/Nooshie1
Summary: Following episode 3x07 there are a lot of unanswered questions. Will Janet and Bianca be able to work through them?Following on after 3x08





	1. Chapter 1

She had been hanging in there, helping keep Janet on an even keel, making sure there was always an explanation, a shoulder to lean on, even if it wasn’t used. A show of force that she was there when Janet needed and taking a step back when it seemed Janet needed her to disappear. That was the worry though, she could feel herself slowly disappearing, losing herself in what Janet wanted…needed.  
She was in love with Janet, she really was. It was that love that had sustained her to this point, but even that, even the adrenaline of that, had to run out eventually. She honestly wanted to help Janet mend the ties with her father, something which was obviously providing a deep-seeded angst. Even now, while she was floundering, losing more and more of herself, she was trying as best she could to help Janet take the steps that she needed to progress with mending her relationship with her father – only to have it thrown back in her face, “Stop telling me how to deal with my father”.  
She had left Janet’s house that evening unsure of the next step. Janet would, as usual, likely come to her in the coming days, a beguiling smile on her face and a squint of her eye, Bianca would be unable to say ‘no’ and would give in to starting this rollercoaster ride all over again.  
How long? That was the question she kept asking herself, “How long could she keep acting as the sounding board, the punching bag?” “How long until Janet was able to mend herself and overcome some of the issues plaguing her?” “How long would…could they keep up this dance?” “How long before Janet realised that without Bianca being the ‘easy’ person in her life, asking nothing and giving everything, she was not interested?”  
Bianca knew love didn’t conquer all, it never could, and it was futile to believe it would triumph for her as well. She was willing to give it all she could, but when was the moment, that time, when you had to own up to the fact that nothing was going to change? That you may love each other more than anything else, but there was too much water under the bridge, too much damage for it to work?  
Hadn’t Janet’s father said that a strong person doesn’t dwell on the past? Maybe it was stronger to focus on the future, to appreciate that something may not be progressing, that it couldn’t, no matter the love. If that was the case, Bianca was weak. She didn’t want to lose Janet, didn’t want the nervous/excited feeling in the pit of her stomach to disappear. She also didn’t want to lose herself, didn’t want to take on the permanent role of being Janet’s puppy – following her around and being provided attention at the sole discretion of Janet, being grateful that she may be in favour that evening, bestowed with love and attention, only to have it painfully withdrawn the next.  
It had stung that Janet, even in her most subconscious of mind, had “alot going on at the moment” and was so willing to put their relationship, their future behind all of that. It wasn't a surprise to Bianca, and to be honest it wasn’t even what was most upsetting - she had expected as much, hence her easy out to Janet, to deal with this when she was ready. When Janet was ready…  
It didn’t surprise her when Janet had a moment alone with her in the office, “We should talk through this”  
Yes, they should, they should have talked months ago. Bianca had been trying, gently, gently, to get them to talk and Janet had always been able to circumvent having that discussion. Maybe she should have pushed harder, run the higher risk of Janet running – wasn’t that what Janet was doing that night in her apartment, running from Bianca as she tried to help? The moment they were the closest to talking they had been? The irony was not lost on Bianca.  
“I’ve wanted to talk since you came back from Fiji. Do you really think, here, now, is the right time?”  
“Probably not…” Janet turned away, with her back to Bianca, looking at her desk.  
“I tried to give you the space you needed to work through everything that happened with Peta, give you time to be immersed in the new Commission role, time to deal with your father… I give you the time, and there is always a push back whenever I try and delve into something deeper than work, deeper than sweet words and idle chat, when I try and ask for some time back. I want to know you, the real you, I want to truly be a part of your life and share that with you. I can’t do that when I am forever at arm’s length. Do you see that?”  
Janet turned around, light in her eyes, jaw clenched, ready for battle.  
Bianca gave a soft shake of her head and a rueful smile, “I don’t want to fight with you Janet. I really don’t, especially not here. While you may not want to share ‘you’ with me, I need to share something of how I am feeling with you. I don’t expect anything from you, honestly. I just needed to tell you, to ease that pressure a little by giving the words air, getting them out there so that they aren’t sitting on my shoulders weighing me down.”  
Janet seemed to ease the tension in her jaw slightly, and look unnecessarily to her left, before her eyes fell back to Bianca. There was a long pause. Janet opened her mouth to say something and closed it again.  
Bianca nodded, bowed her head slightly and shuffled her feet, “I should probably get back out there”  
Janet nodded, and have an apathetic, “Yep”  
Bianca turned and walked towards the door. As her hand held the handle she stopped short of turning it, gave a small sigh and turned around, facing Janet again, “I am hopelessly in love with you Janet, I am, but I don’t want that to evolve into feeling like I am living for you and not with you. For a split second the other night you started to open up to me, tell me how you were feeling, and as soon as the moment came you shut it down and shut me out. I am trying my best to be what you need, what you want - I just don’t know what that is, and whether I can live up to that.”  
Janet closed her eyes briefly and when she opened them, all that was left was the silhouette of Bianca walking away down the hallway.  
Bianca knew it had not been the best way to leave the situation but she needed to take back some power, in some way. The power differential had been so out of whack for so long, she wasn’t even sure what ‘normal’ was anymore. They both still had work to see to, and while Bianca knew she shouldn’t have given into downloading to Janet then and there, she couldn’t help the words tumbling out of her. Now was the time to focus on work, take her mind off what had just happened and what the repercussions with Janet would be, and focus on what she knew best – her job.  
She had managed, more engineered, two be out of the office that afternoon; out on the beat undertaking surveillance. The thought of being so close to Janet after their conversation, well her soliloquy, made her feel anxious – a tension that she was sure would be palpable to all in close proximity. They needed some space to digest everything and surely, they would reconvene in the near future.  
It didn’t take long; Janet was, if nothing else, determined when she had something on her mind. She was not the kind of person to let Bianca’s words suffocate them and have the axe continuing to loom over their heads. The soft knock at Bianca’s door at 9:00pm revealing Janet standing on the other side, bottle of wine in hand and a bag of takeout was not what Bianca had expected. She ushered Janet into her home, a home Janet had only been to two times previously. Wine was poured, food was laid out and social niceties were seen too.  
Sitting cross legged on the floor, backs against the grey couch in Bianca’s lounge room, red wine in hand, words began to flow.  
“Sorry about earlier in the office. It really wasn’t the place for me to say what I said. It left things unfinished, which can lead to mistakes” Bianca started, “It just started to roll out of me and I couldn’t seem to stop it”  
Janet hadn’t turned to look at Bianca while she spoke, rather looking down at her glass of red, fingers running up and down the stem, “Is this you leaving?” Janet finally asked.  
Bianca let out a long breathe, looking to Janet, who was still engrossed on her glass, “This is me reaching out to you, telling you how I am feeling, that I want to be more involved with you, know you better, but not knowing if that can or will happen”  
Bianca looked over to study Janet, still Janet didn’t look up from her glass, “Janet, I need to know if this distance, if this is how it will always be”  
“Why?” Janet queried quietly.  
“Why? Because people need to feel connected, involved, entrenched in their partners life. Need to feel that they know them, are part of their lives and bigger picture, not just a bit player in their life called in when needed.”  
“So… you think I am using you?” Janet hissed.  
Bianca raised her hands and sighed, “No, that isn’t what I am saying at all” Bianca stood up and paced over to the credenza, leaning back against it and turning to Janet, “I want us to truly be a part of each other’s lives. I want to know about your family, you as a child, when you have a bad day at work I want to hear about it, I want you to trust me enough to let me in and not only on your terms all the time. I don’t want it to be that I am waiting in the wings, holding out for you to acknowledge me, waiting for my queue to enter. I will be honest Janet, at the moment I feel like I am there for you, giving all of myself, all of the time, and I am not getting anything back. It can be exhausting and upsetting to be in that position.”  
Janet looked up from her glass at this point, meeting Bianca’s gaze straight on, “I can’t help you feeling that way.”  
Bianca turned her eyes away from Janet and let out a breath, took the last sip of her wine, and put her glass down. There was a long pause, Janet looked around Bianca’s living room, taking in the art on the far wall, plush rug and couch, before landing back on Bianca whose head was bowed, thumbing a stray threat on her shirt.  
They were at an impasse; the usual stubborn headed Janet was in place and Bianca knew there was no way for her to talk her around that. Janet couldn’t, wouldn’t, hear where Bianca was coming from, whether consciously or not. There was no getting around that, maybe not ever. Maybe Bianca was wrong, maybe she was being the overly needy one asking too much of her partner. All she knew was at this moment she needed to have some power, receive some concession from Janet so she could know there was a chance, a chance that they could really work together, for the both of them, not just for Janet,  
Each continuing with their line of thought tonight was not going to result in any real outcome for either – they would be talking each other around in circles.  
Bianca pushed herself off the credenza and made her way over to Janet, kneeling in front of the still prone Janet. The two women looked into each other’s eyes, faces only millimetres apart. Bianca noticed Janet’s eyes were looking glassy, but were looking at her with a mixture of adoration, vulnerability and dare she even think, they looked frightened. Janet wouldn’t back down though, while her eyes may be betraying her now, she would not concede first, she would not give in - given in first and she would lose. Irony or irony was, say nothing at all and she really could lose it all.  
Bianca cupped Janet’s face with her hands and brought her lips to gently brush Janet’s; an almost chaste kiss. The usually strong Bianca, always defiant in the face of pain, always looking after others, even if that meant sparring them her own sadness, felt wetness on her cheeks. For a second she was confused, was Janet crying? That was out of character. No, her own body was betraying her, and some tears had broken free. Reigning in her own feelings, a shallow breathe and a strong resolve, Bianca left another soft kiss on Janet’s lips. Janet responded slowly, her hands still at her sides, her lips only moving ever so slightly against Bianca’s.  
Bianca pulled back, happy to had regained her resolve, and looked Janet in the eyes. Bianca was strong, she had seen the worst of humanity, and maybe for a brief sound of moments through life, experienced some truly amazing moments - they would both continue. She could not control when and how those moments entered her life, but she controlled how she responded to them.  
“I love you Janet. You managed to work your way into my heart and life with such ease. I think maybe I love you too much. Maybe I want to be too much a part of your life, your world. Maybe you need to keep that part of yourself to you, to forever ensure a distance between you and everyone else. I can’t imagine the pain you have been through, I know that you must want to do anything in your power to ensure you and the twins don’t have to go through any of that pain again. Thing is while I know all of these things, hell, I can understand them, this stupid part of my aches to be close to you, to be in your world with you, not just looking in from the other side of the street.”  
Bianca paused a second and looked at Janet, whose head was bowed slightly, “This isn’t goodbye Janet. This is, ‘when you are ready’, whenever that may be.”  
Janet gave a small sniff and looked up at Bianca. Bianca’s eyes were glassy, but she tried to give a small smile to ease Janet.


	2. Post 3x08

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened after 3x08

She questioned whether any of their relationship had actually been real. Had she imagined the intensity? Had they just been casual and she read too much into the situation? Was she being too needy, requiring too much of Janet’s attention? All questions which she was presently unable to clearly answer. There was no third party to provide an objective perspective of the situation. They had been so insular, other than Tony, there was no one else who knew about them. Was it like a tree falling into the woods, if no one knew of them, did it really happen?  
She had invested all of herself so quickly, so easily in ‘them’, was that her mistake? She had thought it was reciprocal. They weren’t teenagers anymore, and the flippancy and nonchalant attitude that came with that was long gone, she had been of the view that she didn’t bother with flings or dalliances that she didn’t think were a long-term prospect. Maybe Janet was different. She didn’t think she was though.   
It all just seemed to contradictory, if Janet had felt the same way why was it that she had been so apathetic following their last one-on-one interaction, that she took great lengths to now ensure they were not alone in a room together. Janet hadn’t tried to save ‘them’, hadn’t given any great Janet King closing argument to convince her they could work, hadn’t uttered a single word. Was that her way of getting an ‘easy out’, of showing that Janet was almost pleased that she had ended it… ended it…..  
It was at times like these, on her couch, alone with a glass of red wine that the fact that they had ended, were over, never more, played more insistently through her mind. It had been 2 weeks now since she had walked into Janet’s office and handed back her keys. Two weeks of awkwardly trying to act ‘normal’ around their colleagues, of ensuring they didn’t brush against each other entering or exiting offices, of locking eyes and tearing them away.  
She still wasn’t sure how she felt. It had all happened so fast, yet it had felt like a lifetime in the lead up. A gentle push of metal into soft, warm hands had said so much more than they had been able to say to each other.  
Janet’s words still rang in her ears, that Janet was ready now, when everything had already splintered, shattered, fallen down around them, now on her terms, Janet was ready to talk. That had almost incensed her the most, that she had been gently trying, nudging, suggesting for weeks, months for them to talk, for them to really talk about where they were going, how they were going to deal with issues, and then, only when she had come to her tipping point did Janet decide now was the time to half-heartedly open the door to discussions. Janet hadn’t followed through, she hadn’t tried to actually discuss anything, hadn’t offered a word about them being worth fight for, or that they deserved happiness together, nothing. Janet had just pushed it back on her to do the work, yet again.  
She knew she was riling herself up, getting angry about a situation that for all intents and purposes was moot now. She didn’t mind the anger though, she could deal with that, it was when the sadness kicked in that she found it all the more difficult. Anger was an easy emotion to deal with, you can harness it, use it, pushing yourself into work, the gym, and expel the anger in a way that result, in most instances, with at least a quasi productive result. Sadness, that was a wasted emotion that sucked the energy, life and purpose from you.  
Sadness came however, when she found herself looking into Janet’s office, managing to catch her eye and hold it for a second too long. She couldn’t help but feel that low flutter in her stomach, and a smile would unconsciously cross her face. Holding Janet’s gaze wasn’t the same as it had been before though, Janet’s eyes no longer held the spark they previously had, the look that meant she was onto something, that she was on the top of her game. They were duller, more life-less now. She hated looking into those eyes and seeing that the spark was lost. There would be a new project for Janet to champion, and that spark would be back, she would be back fighting the good fight for whoever needed, there was no doubt. She just hoped the current look was not exclusively reserved for her no matter Janet’s mood. Ironic wasn’t it that what made her love Janet so much was also what pulled them apart. But, in that moment, eyes looked, all she could feel was sadness and love. For that split-second holding Janet’s gaze, she indulged in the excruciating pleasure and pain that was Janet.  
She loved her, that hadn’t changed, and wasn’t likely too in the near future. She didn’t try to kid herself otherwise, it was no use. Best to give into the feeling and hope that as time went on it would hurt less and less, the anger would dissipate and she would no longer feel the crushing sadness when looking into Janet’s eyes.  
That was going to be made much easier given the news she received today; she was being relocated from the NCC. She would no longer have Janet in front of her all day every day. It would be real now. They would be out of each other’s lives, in every sense. It was small conciliation that she was rewarded with being in Janet’s presence on a daily basis at present, a means of weening herself off their relationship, but they would soon be cold turkey. No more Janet. It was all going to be very real very soon.  
There was a knock at the door, odd at this time of nice, 9:30pm on a Thursday.  
It was Tony.  
“Tony, what are you doing here?” This was the first time he had ever come over to the house, she was surprised he knew her address at all.  
“Mind if I come in”  
“Yes, yes, of course” and a path was cleared for his entrance to the living soon.   
In usual Tony fashion he didn’t beat around the bush, “I heard about the move” there was a long pause.  
“I didn’t request it if that is what you are asking”  
He gave a small smile and leant his head to the side, “Good to know. Look I don’t know what’s happened with you and Janet, but you had better not be planning to sneak away. She has had enough people leave her without a goodbye.”  
A sigh, “I wouldn’t leave without a goodbye. I will let everyone in the office know tomorrow before heading off.”  
“That’s not what I meant”  
“I’m not sure what you do mean then Tony”  
“Go over there, tell her…she needs it, needs to kick in the pants”  
The anger was still present, still just below the surface, it had been simmering all night and when she finally had a chance, a moment to actually be able to say how she was feeling out loud, acknowledge that she was hurting, that her and Janet had even been a couple, she couldn’t help but explode,   
“She needs it? She needs to feel ok about me leaving? She hasn’t bothered to try to talk to me. To tell me she wants this to work. Tell me that this is worth fighting for. You want me to go over there at the detriment of my own self worth, my own pride, and basically beg her to throw me a bone? Push her to give me some hope that will be dashed again in a couple of months? I am hurting and I love her, but I can not give anymore of myself than I already have when I have got nothing in return. Nothing! She didn’t even say a word, not a word to try for us. I can’t be the one to keep trying for the both of us, it hurts too much.”  
Tony bowed his head, “It’s just her way”  
A breathy laugh, “Yeah, and I love her for it but when you love someone you want them to show as much, if not more interest in you than there current project. Maybe that’s just me, and I am selfish and needy.”  
“You’re not” Tony sigh deflated, “You were the best thing to happen to her. I haven’t seen her as happy as when she was around you for years. She is not good at knowing when not to take things for granted.”  
Bianca sighed, “Tony, do you think we would be in this position if I hadn’t gone through every possibility, tried all I could? I love her, but I can only do so much. It’s a two way street, and at the moment all traffic is one way.” There was a pause, “I appreciate you coming over and trying, I do, I just wish it had been her trying and not you on her behalf”  
The moment was awkward, there was nothing more to be said, or that could be said to make this right. Tony just nodded his head, “You look after yourself. You were a great investigator and a good person Bianca. I’m sorry the NCC won’t continue to appreciate that”  
“Thank You”  
Another exhaustive evening and for what end?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The saga of our two protagonists continues

She held no hopes, it was always easier that way. Expect nothing and you may be pleasantly surprised, and at least you weren’t disappointed. Tony had been sweet and had given her a couple of sweet smiles in the office over the past week but she held no hopes that anyone would care about her announcement, nothing beyond the perfunctory goodbye and nice to meet you.  
It had been easy and informal, a stand up in the middle of the office where she informed the team she had been seconded elsewhere, that it had been once of the best experiences working with the NCC; a pointed glance toward Janet, who refused to make eye contact, and that she would continue to have a very soft spot for all of them.  
There was a brief round of applause, eyes refused to meet eyes, and words remained unsaid.  
A box was packed, the last of her meagre belongings, and with a final glance around the office, straight through to the glass office at the end of the room. Heads were down, computers were being tapped at - she was already a ghost in a place she had felt so integrated. What a metaphor for her whole time at the NCC; so embedded, so wanted and then so discarded, no longer needed.  
The home was packed, a sea of boxes, labeled and ready for the early morning remover. Half a pizza remained in its box on the kitchen island, as did a half finished bottle of red; a bottle of Grenache she had been saving for a special occasion - a new beginning seemed as good an occasion as any. Now it was time to enjoy some trashing television, the Bachelor was playing at the moment, and relax before her move.  
It still hurt, the rejection, refusal to make an effort, especially at times like this when she had time to relax and think, and even more especially after some wine. Her life in boxes around her, a 40-odd year old woman moving her life, alone again. She had no issues with being single, she actually quite enjoyed it, liked the time, space and freedom that came with it. Problem was, she had a taste of what it could be like in a family, with sports duty, making lunches and bath time and surprisingly she had quite enjoyed the exposure, but that have had a lot to do with who that exposure was involved with. That would pass though, she was sure. She would be happy with throwing herself into her new role, making new friends, maybe joining a trivia night. She would be fine. She always was.  
She had dealt with far worse in her years, and would likely deal with worse still, it was all perspective. She loved Janet, but love wasn’t everything, and the final nail in the coffin was surely that even with a move imminent, Janet had not spoken a word to her, outside purely professional conversation, since the fateful day.  
The bottle of ganache now empty, and a second bottle (not quite as luxurious) was opened. The head swam and the extremities felt weak and heavy on the couch. Her mobile was right there, right next to her and all it would take would be a single text, a single push of the button for a phone call and she could have that final closure she didn’t realise she wanted until the cork of the second bottle had been removed.  
The phone was picked up, one, two, three times and put back down. She wouldn’t do it, couldn’t do it. It would unravel all the careful protections she had worked, the last couple of weeks, to build up again It would make her that girl. The one that had a couple of drinks and thought it was a good idea to call the ex.  
But what would it hurt? She was leaving anyway, what would a phone call, an innocent text do? She could run away from it tomorrow, delete it and pretend she hadn’t prostrated herself to Janet yet again. A text that may never be responded to, a call that may not be answered, what could it hurt?  
The resolve was strong until the moment it was not.  
The mobile was suddenly and quickly picked up and a message was being typed before there was conscious effort to do so,  
“Janet, leaving tomorrow and feel there needs to be close between us. Iwill miss you. Sorry we didn't work./ Tried as hardas I could. Wish i could believe the same of you”  
The moment the send button was pressed the remorse set in, why had she done that? Why had she sent it? Why didn’t she type it, think about it and then delete it? Why wasn’t there a recall function for text messages? Oh God, she wanted to sink into the floor.  
Was it worse if Janet responded, and oh god respond with what? Or that she didn’t respond, didn’t care enough to even respond at this 11th hour?  
Back to the bottle and refill of the glass, that will help the issue, no doubt.  
The phone was checked at least 20 times in the next hour…no text and not sign of there being one - what a world they lived in where three small circles flashing across the bottom of a message screen said so much.  
Music, Fleetwood Mac ‘Rumours’ was now playing much too loud for this time of night. She was moving around the home, hips in time to the music, singing along, last of the red in the glass in her hand. There had already been one accident when an overzealous hand movement resulted in a splash of wine on the hardwood floor. drowning out all else.  
There was a loud knock at the door, one she would have been proud of as a cop. One she recognised as a cop, three loud, distinct raps on the door. So the neighbours had called the local police and made a noise complaint about her music, fine. She would turn it down. Didn’t people relax and have a good time around here? Using the remote, the music was lowered to a lower decibel level.  
Opening the door, she had already begun her tirade before she could see the face of the officer on the other side, “Did you get a complaint from some stuffy uptight neighbour who cant handle a little music in the evening, its not like its offensive, its Fleetwood Mac for Christ's sake, who doesn’t like Stevie…”  
Looking up, Bianca had the presence of mind to be contrite when she noticed who was standing front of her, “Oh…sorry, I wasn’t expecting you”  
“I kind of got that…”


	4. Chapter 4

So, yes, she truly was destined to fail at every turn. Of course Janet would be standing at her doorstep, immaculate in her white silk shirt and grey pants - both of which managed to hang just perfectly from each curve of her body. Whilst she was in old jeans, a t shirt and leaning against the door frame to assist with the blurry head. Smooth as always Grieve. Not to mention the fact that her usual drunk trait was kicking in - she became much too tactile, too prone to arousal after a couple of drinks.  
“Hey Janet”  
“Hey”  
Oh yes, common courtesy would dictate that she invited Janet into her home right now, “Would you, ah, like to come in”  
“That would make more sense than standing in your doorway”  
She couldn’t just have left it could she? She had to have a dig.  
“Looks like you are ready make your way then” Janet motioned to the packing boxes.  
“Yeah, nothing much to slow me down at the moment”  
The look on Janet’s face read neutral, of course it did. This is what she did, this was her living. She showed no emotion unless she wanted you to see it, and then you only saw it because she wanted you too.  
“So just up and leaving then?”  
What? This was not a surprise, she had given notice, had conversations, done everything she needed to in order to make this as easy as possible for the NCC, “No, have tried to give as much time as possible for hand-over with the NCC. Like I said, I didn’t request the transfer, but when these things come up….well you just take them”  
“Surely you could have knocked it back”  
Soberness was hitting hard, as was a pang of anger, “Surely the NCC could have requested I stay if they thought my work was up to standard? Doesn’t seem like there was any specific reason for the NCC to decide it no longer wanted to keep me….or fight for me”  
Janet’s eyes were blazing, even though the comment was made to elicit a reaction, it still felt wrong seeing the response, “The NCC’s powers can only go so far. If someone wants to move on there isn't much the NCC can do”  
“Did the NCC think that maybe someone didn’t know the NCC valued them and when an opportunity arose and there was no retaliation from the NCC, that the opportunity was implicitly deemed as the only route?”  
“Why are we doing this?” Ok, Janet had had enough of the subtext, it was time to get to the point, Thank goodness that bottle of red had been finished.  
“You tell me Janet. I, as usual, am just trying to keep up, understand what you are doing. Do you want me to stay? Do you want to keep me around so that it makes you feel a bit better? Are you afraid you wont get another AFP resource?”  
“You broke up with me” Janet boomed  
So this is where we were again, ok, “I came to you, putting my feelings on the line, telling you how I felt, giving you every opportunity to say something. Christ, a chance to say anything that may make me think there could continue to be something there. Anything to make me think I wasn’t just someone you kept around as a novelty when you wanted. Anything to make me think we could have a real honest partnership. You. Said. Nothing”  
The words hung and even drunk, the enormity to the situation resulted in words flowing too easily, words that had so easily been suppressed without the aide of liquid courage.  
“I shouldn’t have to fight for you”  
That was it? That was the argument, “No, you shouldn't have to do anything you don’t want to Janet. You never would. Again, I told you how I felt and if it was in you, if you wanted to, if you cared to, you could have said something. You could have said, ‘Sorry you feel that way, that’s not how I have meant my actions be interpreted’ you could said, ‘Ok, actually the way I feel is…’, Janet, you could have said, ‘Ok, let me think about what you have said and we can talk’. Any of that, anything, and I would have waited around, stuck by your side, given you every opportunity to do whatever it was you needed. I got nothing. All I got was silence which seemed to speak louder than any words, which said to me ‘It’s too hard, or not worth giving too, I can start again with someone easier’.”  
“That’s not fair”  
“No, it may not be fair Janet, but I still, even now, haven’t heard anything from you other than the fact I am leaving. Can you even now, stand there, and give me a slither of real emotion, of real feeling?”  
“Why? You are going anyway. Why give anything only to lose?”  
“Because, you give something and you can win. You could have said anything to me that day in your home and I would have given into you, but you said nothing.”  
“I could have, but what would stop you ultimately, down the line, still thinking the same thing and leaving anyway?”  
“You can’t guarantee anything Janet, other than the fact that inaction will nearly always result in loss. In any respect, you know what, you saying something would have been the start of an open communication between us. Open discussion about the fact a relationship is a two way street. Things needs to be worked on and discussed. It is not just the case that one party voices a feeling and the other shuts down, unwilling to adapt, change, mould to the situation. There needs to be flexibility Janet. Are you so unwilling to be a little flexible?”  
No answer. This was all getting a little to real, a little too emotional, too raw. She was retreating back in her shell again.  
“Why are you here Janet? If you aren’t willing to be apart of a relationship where both parties are appreciated, understood, nourished and want to be the best person they can be for the other, why are you here, just to make me feel worse about something that is already breaking me in two?”  
A long pause, a shake or two of Janet’s head and a wistful trace of her finger across the top of a box. Her postured, her nature, her attitude seemed to have changed in a second.  
Her voice was so quiet when she spoke, “I don't want to lose someone else that I love”  
“Janet…”  
“I hear what you are saying, I do. My way of dealing with loss, ensuring I am not effected by it, is to distance myself, make sure I can’t ever feel like I am going to lose again. I let my guard down with you, I let you in. Thing was, you were so good at looking after me, of making sure I was happy, doing whatever was needed to make sure I didn’t feel like there was possibility for a loss, that I took that for granted. The moment it was no longer real, the moment it was apparent that I could actually lose you…the real Janet took over to take care of us.”  
What was there to respond to with that? “Real Janet stepping into help is fine. She just didn’t want to listen or remember what the real Bianca had been doing for the past 2 years.”  
“No”  
“Two years Janet, at least one of those you were in Fiji and I waited. I came over when I could, I did whatever I could for you and the twins from here. I didn’t push you, didn’t question. The moment you were back in Australia you were straight into NCC. I didn’t question that either, didn’t push for us to have some time together, just us; finally, away from the chaos of bullets, overseas missions, NCC trials. I thought I was doing the right thing. Maybe I wasn’t, maybe I was just making my own bed to lie in.”  
Janet shook her head, and the tears in her eyes were heartbreaking, “You did nothing wrong. Please, never think you have done anything wrong. You did everything better than could be expected…or deserved”  
“Then why are we standing here Janet? What does this mean? Is this another conversation we will have where we talk in riddles and end up being star-crossed lovers because someone hasn’t stood up and said they want to make it work and they are willing to do what they can for that, but it needs two people. I will stand up and say that now - but I don’t know if you can or will do the same.”  
A deep breathe, “So lets lay all the cards on the table Janet, lets make this very clear… I. Love. You. I will do whatever I can for us to be together so long as thats what you want. So long as you would be willing to work on us, make sure we, as a couple, were a real couple. I need to be your primary attention some of the time, not all the time, I don't need that. I want to be selfish with you and keep you and the twins to myself over a weekend away when it it truly just us. Can you do that? If not, that’s fine, tell me now and we know where we stand. If you can, well then lets have more of a conversation about what that means”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The saga continues....more wine, more talk

It sounded trite and contrived, but time seemed to stand still. The air was thick, every sound, every movement, every breath was amplified. She wanted to say the silence went on for hours, which was how it felt, when in fact, it would have been a minute, a full minute of nothingness that hung between them.

She didn’t dare fill the air. She had, again, been the one prostrating herself, being the one to open herself up to more pain, more rejection, more humiliation. This was the time, the last time she promised herself, that Janet had the opportunity to say something, to try and articulate how she felt. There should be no issue with a response, Janet was one of the most articulate human beings she had ever met. Was it her? Was it just her that didn’t warrant, didn’t deserve the benefit of Janet’s honey-dripped language?

“I’m scared”

A minute of silence, a minute to put together a well thought out, complex and emotive statement and all Janet came up with was, ‘I’m scared’? She was ready to call bullshit on that.

“You aren’t the only one Janet. That doesn’t answer the question. It doesn’t give me any more insight. All it tells me is that you don’t think enough of this, of me, to take the chance of being hurt. To take the chance of maybe having something really good in your life as well. I am scared too and here I am, yet again, throwing myself to the wolves, hoping for a different outcome,” she laughed humourlessly, “yet, we stand here, in my home, and I know the outcome is going to be the same. I can already see it in your eyes.”  
She moved to the other side of the room and picked up her wine glass again, taking a sip – she was feeling much too sober again, “My initial question remains Janet, and it may be an easier one for you to answer, why are you here? What did you foresee the result of you turning up on my doorstep at 9.30pm at night being?”

Janet shuffled her feet, looking anywhere but at her, “I wanted things to go back to the way they were. Can’t we just go back there and pretend none of this happened?” Those bright blue eyes pleaded with her, pleaded that she give into Janet’s request, that they just forget all this ugliness and go back to the fairy tale. The problem is the fairy tale ends, you never see Cinderella and Prince Charming bickering about who will pick up the kids, Prince Charming becoming more distant.

She wasn’t sure where it came from, though it was highly likely the wine, which would ware off by the time she woke tomorrow morning, but she had a resolve she hadn’t felt until this moment, a resolve that at least made her feel like she had some control over this situation, “We could go back Janet. We could go back to me doing everything I could to help ease your stress, trying to fit in with your life, waiting until I could see a moment where you may be open to my presence and turning up. We can do that and I can slowly lose myself and become more resentful at you for not letting me into your world. For feeling like I am a bit-player in the Janet King play. Or we could try and talk through these issues, talk through why you feel you need, or want, to keep me at arm’s length, we can be conscious of these things and try and move forward together.”

Janet remained quiet, even as there was a lull in conversation.

“It seems to me that the latter wouldn’t be too taxing, too onerous. Yet, you can’t seem to accept that as an option. I don’t know why that is. Maybe you just wanted to have a friend with benefits around for when you were feeling lonely or wanted company, without having to tax yourself with investing in someone emotionally. I don’t know the rationale Janet, you haven’t given me anything. I can only conclude the worst and you know what, that sucks. It makes me feel worthless and ridiculous. It makes me feel like that kid in school chasing after the cool kids, doing their homework, hoping I may be invited to the birthday party. Here’s a spoiler alert, that kid never gets invited to the birthday party, that kid sits at home hoping the phone will ring or that someone will knock on the door. It. Never. Happens.”

She took a deep breath, turning her face to the ceiling, she needed to regroup. She had gone rogue giving a lot more than she had intended. She didn’t want to antagonise or push buttons to elicit emotions, but damn it, she had feelings too and the fact they were continuing to be broken needed to be addressed. She was an Inspector in the Australia Federal Police, she knew how to control herself, she knew how to calm a situation, yet she was doing a ridiculously bad job at both of those at the moment.

Janet had squared her shoulders by the time she looked back to her from the ceiling, the gauntlet had been thrown and Janet was not one to back down from a fight, “I never treated you as a friend with benefits. You were in my house having dinner with my children, at sports carnivals, on trips, you know you were part of my life, our lives. You were already there.” Janet’s voice was strained and emphatic.

She shook her head and looked down. She was second guessing herself now. Maybe Janet was right, maybe she was over-exaggerating this situation and being completely irrational about what she wanted and expected from Janet. Maybe she was making a terrible mistake pushing for this.

“I don’t know any more Janet. I don’t. I’m tired,” she sighed, “Maybe I am completely wrong, maybe I am too clingy, too needy, too demanding. All I know is the way that I feel, and I have been honest and upfront with you about that. I feel sad and lonely and…I just ache. I don’t know what else to tell you, I ache. You say you are scared, I am terrified that having tried to stand-up for what I feel, how I feel, if we agree to go back to the way it was, that I am going to lose myself, that I will become that person that walks on eggshells around you not knowing if I should be providing an input or comment, because that input isn’t wanted. I am terrified that a situation like that may affect how I feel about you. Janet, give me something, give me some insight, some feeling, some emotion, not just a rebuttal to my comments. You can fight me, you are good at fighting, give me someone real, give me something that comes from you, just…something.”

Here she was again, at the mercy of silence and Janet King.

She took a sip of wine, looked to the kitchen and looked back. Janet was still on the other side of the room; however, she had looked up and was looking her in the eyes. Three long strides and Janet was standing in front of her, face to face, eye to eye.

“I have heard you, I have. I know I can be difficult, I haven’t had to think or care about anyone other than the twins for a number of years. It was easy while I was in Fiji, you and I could talk and you could visit and it was like a romance each time. Coming back to reality and the job and life, it is easy to fall back into old behaviours, to what is comfortable, because that is what I am used to. That can mean you take things for granted, it can mean you try to have your cake and eat it too. I can have all the normality and comfort of my everyday life and then the spice and change with you. It was less scary to keep them distanced. I wanted you to move in Bianca, I wanted you there, I wanted to mix them. Admittedly, I probably hadn’t reconciled that in my mind as being the reasoning.”

She gave a small nod and remained silent, this was the most Janet had, had to say and she didn’t want to stilt that.

“It can take me some time to understand my own emotional responses. I wanted you there, I just hadn’t processed through the residual feelings and baggage I had there to make it work right away. I have been seeing someone again, someone I saw after Ash died. Tony thought it may be a good idea,” she scoffed, “Who knows, can’t hurt,” Janet shrugged, “I suppose what I am saying is that the intent was there, I want you to be part of my life, I do, I just need to be better at articulating that and working through my own baggage to allow the vision to become a reality.”

She gave a sad laugh, “Well this has come at a pretty shit time, hasn’t it??” this time a real smile behind her eyes.

“I guess it has” Janet nodded with a small smile.

“There could be options, depending” she sighed, “I need to go tomorrow, that unfortunately is not negotiable, but there are options post that”

Janet blinked back tears and nodded, “I would like to see about those options. We can maybe look into them?”

“Yeah, we can maybe look into them”

Shoulders slumped and the crackling tension in the room seemed to ease. There was an exhaustion that had settled into her bones, the kind that can only come after a terribly emotional encounter. She suddenly just wanted to curl up, be warm, relax, and forget that the world would keep turning tomorrow and that she would need to move.  
“Did you want to stay here tonight? It’s 1am now, and if you feel as exhausted as I do, you probably shouldn’t be driving”

She saw Janet look at her, assessing her to see if this was a true invite or one intended to be knocked back, she seemed to land on the former, “That would be nice.”


End file.
